Things in Australia That Will Kill You

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In my ongoing effort to piss off all of my friends in other countries (whom I secretly love and admire a great deal) today we switch our focus from the Brits and their ridiculous Matrix System to our Aussie friends and their incredibly dangerous and possibly fatal country...

Australia is a wonderful, beautiful island continent home to a peaceful, happy, and loving people... that Mother Nature hates so much she can taste stabbing.

Just The Facts

Australia is the largest island nation in the world, straddling the border of the Pacific and Indian Ocean.
It has a rich and exotic ecosystem supporting fantastic flora and fauna...all of which were unfortunately eaten by the monsters that live there.
Its primary spoken language is screaming.

From the Abyss It Is Birthed

Back in the 1770s the British Empire discovered Australia and, after finding it generally unfit for human habitation, proceeded to send all of their criminals and generally unwanted peasants there...because basic human empathy was not to be invented until the year 1821.
After somehow managing to survive on Monster Island for over a century, it was considered only fair to grant the Australian citizens their freedom and on January 1st, 1901, Australia gained federation of its colonies, and The Commonwealth of Australia was born.

Things in Australia that Will Kill You

Everything. No, seriously: Everything.
First there's the wildlife: If something appears to be cute and harmless in Australia, then we promise you - it has only evolved that way to lure you close enough for the thousands of ravenous, prehensile blade-tongues to descended upon you.
Then there's the Geography: Consisting mostly of arid, dry desert, (populated by over 100 venomous species of snake,) the harsh local climate is peppered with small, livable areas presumably just to lull human beings into a false sense of security.
Ah, but the tropical beaches, you say! Surely the paradise on Earth that is the Australian beach makes up for an entire continent of biological weapons. And it's true: Australia is known for having some of the best beaches in the world...all you have to worry about are the Saltwater Crocs, Great White Sharks, poisonous Stonefish, or being stung by the Box Jellyfish: The deadliest and most painful sting of any Jellyfish species in the world.
Your best bet is just to stay in the city then, right? Enjoy the local culture; go visit the capital of Canberra, or visit beautiful Sydney and see the wonder of the Opera house. And that's totally safe: Just remember to wear protective clothing, stay in well travelled areas, always know the nearest path to a hospital, and just generally try not to exist - because Australia is also home to over 280 species of poisonous spider, including that aforementioned Sydney Funnel Web Spider. What, did you think it was just a name? No, it lives in cities, in garages, in tool sheds and houses - it even swims. IT FUCKING SWIMS.
Seriously: Everything in Australia evolved solely to kill everything else in Australia - and you show up with your soft, unarmored skin, tiny, rounded teeth, and ridiculously non-poisonous spit and expect a vacation?
You just walked into Mother Nature's Thunderdome, friend. And in this analogy, you're not Max; you're the dead retard.

Things in Australia that Will Not Kill You

Hugh Jackman seems nice.

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Top Comments

not touching this one!!! I made a Mad Max joke and got spanked for it!!
Of course Wiki is 100% accurate! You think Darius would edit a Wiki entry with his made up stuff? Like a place named "Australia" that is BOTH a country AND a continent?!? I mean c'mon on, if you can't trust the stuff you read on the internet, what's next? Is KAT staff gonna start lying about returning rep points?titter
ahhhh laughing so hard it makes me cry
Hugh Jackman is from australia ????never knew that until now

All Comments

rndmfrd22249.46K Show comment
All too true, but a great country at that :D
Annagp310.87K Show comment
Laughed my arse off! It's all truesmile
NickyB856785 Show comment
THIS IS HILARIOUS, thanks ahriman for pointing this one out. lol
AhrimanThorn29.41K Show comment
Just re-discovered this blog and realised I didn’t comment in it last time for some reason. (Probably laughing too much to use the keyboard)
This really is unbelievably funny and of course completely true.biggrin
ravi22.95K Show comment
like this???????tittertongue
AllOuttaGum33.74K Show comment
ObsceneBlush938 Show comment
This whole blog totally made me want to live in Australia now because I agree... Hugh Jackman does seem nice.
fou_rhan1574 Show comment
I have this girlfriend who wants to go work in Australia for a year, problem is she's afraid of insects (not to mention spiders, snakes, and mutant kangaroos....)
I already told her she was gonna have a hard time there, but she wouldn't believe me!
Not sure I should show her this blog or not.....
jazzy4kat123.5K Show comment
I heard there are huge toads in Australia is this true ? i googled this pic ..
imagewhat a wopper !!
We have had lots of frogs lately in the UK because we've had so much rain and i dislike them ,but toads are much bigger less likeable ...
Chronic_91213.58K Show comment
You have got to be kidding me shocked
jazzy4kat123.5K Show comment
Its huge lollol
Chronic_91213.58K Show comment
fry his asslollol
Spectre25.32K Show comment
Yes this is true,
Cane Toads are real, and big, and poisonous too.

BenjaminSwift6257 Show comment
centipedes = filth
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