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A Late (But Nevertherless Epic) Introduction

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A little while ago I admitted that I that I had never introduced myself when I joined the site and the suggestion was made that I should do so. Now given that I have been a member here for almost a year an introduction would seem to be not only a little overdue, but also actually pretty unnecessary.

So always a fan of the unnecessary I am going to go right ahead and introduce myself.
I am AhrimanThorn.

It would be immodest of me to spend the next few minutes telling you all how great I am so I am going to let the testimonials of others do that for me. These following statements are all completely true and to prove it everyone who made a statement was made by me to say “I cross my heart hope to die stick a needle in my eye.” And let me tell you good people of KAT; when they uttered those words I looked into their eyes, and what I saw there was truth, tinged with fear and admiration.


“Ahriman might just be the greatest man on Earth” said Jean Bradshaw, married mother of two from Basingstoke. “I wanted children but worried that my husband John might not be able to provide the best genetic material. Ahriman was a godsend and did all the work with an enthusiasm and level of expertise I would never have known was humanly possible. He was both gentle and masterly at the same time, and even after all these years the slight tremble in my legs has not subsided. The twins are only six but little Ahrimina already shows promise of being a world class gymnast, and her sister Thornetta is doing well at university studying law. Thank you Ahriman, John and I are so grateful.”

“My boy was always getting into fights” says Stuart Hargreaves, single father from Manchester. “He was so feared by the police that the last time he started a fight in the pub the army were called. I thought Wayne would end up in prison, or even worse working in insurance, and then Ahriman entered our lives. Wayne tried to mug him apparently and Ahriman took the knife from him and with a great deal of love beat my boy to within an inch of his life. He then told him that he would train him in both mind and body, and with the introduction of some simple meditational techniques and a strict diet of yams and pickled eggs, my boy’s life has been turned around. Wayne is probably going to be the next MMA world champion and he has become the sweetest natured boy you could ever wish to meet. I can never really thank Ahriman enough and in my eyes the man can do no wrong.”

“It was just a lap dance” said Crystal Dean, eighteen from Las Vegas. “It was a usual Friday night here at the Bucking Bronco and the place was pretty full. When he walked in just as the music started playing Sweet Child O’ Mine all the girls here that night could feel the electricity in the air. For some reason I was the lucky girl he approached and I could see from the way he walked towards me he must be some kind of a dancer, because he just seemed so graceful you know? I found myself wanting to do things I have never done before and it didn’t seem to matter how many dollar bills I pushed into the top of his jeans, he just kept telling me that I had a different path to follow. I don’t know how I knew this though because he never spoke, he just seemed to say it all with those big beautiful eyes; I think it must have been some sort of telepathy. I know that sounds crazy but my friend Lexis said her brother Chad was abducted by aliens, and when he came back he was able to hear people’s thoughts because of what they did to his butt. I work part time in Uganda now for the Thorn Foundation, building kitten orphanages. I would marry him if he would have me but I know he still has important work to do, god bless you Ahriman, you saved my life, and made me a better person too”


I hope these moving testimonials have told you a little bit about me and have helped you all to feel a bit closer to me. (I have enough love for all of you) I am a bit nervous of meeting new people so I need you all to be gentle with me when you welcome me to KAT. I hope now as well that people will start to see me as more than just a guy with great cheek bones and thick hair, yes I have firm buns but I am much more than that and this has been my way of letting you all get a little glimpse of the man behind the words.

Here is a picture of me about to do what I do best, fighting zombies and generally being awesome. Those of you who know me already know that I have a rare monochromel condition that means I am always in black and white. This one off piece of film has been painstakingly hand coloured by three blind nuns, treasure it, because you will probably never see me in colour again.

I know there will be some here who do not already know what I look like and you might doubt that it really is me in the picture because on a couple of occasions in the past I may have ever so slightly bent the truth, and so to prove that it really is me you can click here and see another picture of me in the Mugshot thread. If you have children, show this picture of me about to fight a horde of melon munching zombie scum suckers to them and say “That’s AhrimanThorn, I know him” they won’t believe you actually do know me of course but they will insist you print it out so they can have it on their bedroom walls. I am AhrimanThorn, and I am glad to be here and to meet you all, please be gentle, I am quite shy.



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Blog: A Late (But Nevertherless Epic) Introduction

Top Comments

We do move in the same circles, he is actually a nice guy when you get to know him. If you ever get the chance to go drinking with him wait till he has had a few and then tell him he has something on his nose, makes me laugh every time.
It was so difficult reading those moving, heart-felt testimonials through the tears of admiration that welled up in my eyes...
I used to post pictures of dogs, -1 every post i could, and give thumbs ups to fake torrents until Mr Thorn saved me from self-destructive tendencies...I never did get any pickled eggs though, thank goodness.
This was pure epicness! Very nicely done, Ari...Aman....I'll learn to spell your name ones of these days, it just takes me a while with newbies.

Ahrimina and Thornetta are lucky to have a surrogate father such as yourself. So modest and humble. I can tell you are the kind to shun the spotlight, not to be an attention seeker who boasts about their greatness and the wondrous things they have done in their life.

It really was quite lucky that you got these random testimonials to your greatness JUST in time for your blog.

Anyway, nice to have you on board, and if remember if you need anything, you are just inconveniencing me.

All Comments

You need to write scripts, the world is in desperate need. "BEING AHRIMANTHORN" Can you see it, can you! lol Thanks dude, hugely entertaining.
Hmm that does have a ring to it. Even though I'm just an ordinary heroic sort of a guy with great cheek bones and firm buns, I think perhaps Hollywood could benefit from having a script that is based on my life.lol (And is in no way at all completely made up)
And in now way immodest... at all... I like thatdizzy, Can I direct? I like wips.. and thumbscrews and... plots, even huge ones. It will be a true challenge to capture it all, we might have to leave to knife for AT II?

The Thornettes? hmmm... well.. that really IS a fine picture! smile
Man, this is so funny. I am in awe. In real life I am awesome myself (I am the ranking operational intelligence officer of the US Army, sort of retired these days) but reading your thing I am content to sit in the audience. Applause. Applause.
I see, so you’re the man I need to speak to about the satellite positioned above my house that is there to spy on me, I know it looks just like one of the stars but that’s because you guys are devious and disguised it with tin foil to make it look twinkly. You will never learn what I know, never!

how on earth did i miss this blog??? this is a masterpiece. please write several books... please
That is very kind of your to say Brad, I have started writing a piece of fiction but it is not humorous. (Vampire story, I know they have been done to death but my story will be a bit different hopefully)

Beautifully written, prose that matches your delicious poetry which I notice you were to modest to reveal about yourself. Every day I thank my lucky stars that we have you resident on this sceptered isle of ours keeping the brain munching hordes at bay. A job you do wonderfully - I would be hard pressed to remember the last time a zombie made it past you onto my patch.
Every night when I lay my head on my pillow I say a little prayer praising your selflessness and when I look in the mirror every morning a small tear falls from my eyes because whatever I do, they'll never be that striking, steely blue that makes women swoon so swiftly.
I can’t believe all these years I never realised I had a long lost brother and I am I have to say, a little emotional right now. These steely blue old eyes of mine (Eyes that I will concede in some lights do have just a hint of Photoshop about them) seem to be getting a bit blurry for some reason, must be an errant eyelash.

This is all very nice, but why can't you tell us something we don't already know about you?lol
Hmm good point, I should have considered the possibility that my reputation would have preceded me. O.K then something you may not know, is that my breath naturally smells minty and I have a natural aversion to shadows when they are on my left side, which on a sunny day sometimes makes me run down the road shrieking like a little girl.

Finally something on the net worth the title of 'epic' lol
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I just got to you first; others here would have done the same scottboy0 if I had not already visited your profile page. Nice to see you having a look at the blog section, you will find we have some really great blog writers on the site.

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I know exactly what you mean........which is why I am upping my medication right now, and I have needed an excuse to eat more of the blue pills for a while now, they taste like sunshine.

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